A Letter To My Rapist

Dear my rapist,

This is not a letter that I ever believed I would find myself writing. You never know what life is going to throw at you but I can honestly say that this, this was the last thing I thought I would have to tackle. But yet here I am, and its you that has put me here.

Because of you I am now a different person. Before that night, the night you took away all the rights to my body, I was happy. I trusted people and I enjoyed every part of life. Now, now I am careful, I don’t trust and I do not, I cannot open myself up to people without experiencing an overwhelming sense of fear.I find myself paying attention to trigger warnings, constantly finding myself falling into a sense of panic when I wake up lying on my front or when I see a man in a leather jacket. tumblr_static_a2q58tw1nlcsco0kk84wokg8_640_v2

You have taken from me a part of my life that I will never be able to regain. Your touch, your smell and the feeling of your breath in my ear haunts me, replaying in my head over and over again. I find myself stuck between the past and the present unable to move forward or backwards. I take a step forward only to find myself being forced a thousand steps backwards. You will never understand the size of the dent that you have left in my life.

But do you know what, you haven’t won and you wont win. I wont let you. I have never felt more defeated in my life but I have found that as the days, weeks and months go on I am slowly finding a power in myself that I didn’t know existed. And please, don’t mistake that for a thank you. I do not thank you. The night you raped me I saw my life break into two halves. The before and the after. You covered my life in a fog so thick I never thought I would be able to see clearly again. But I am learning to be stronger now. But that’s down to me not you. You didn’t give me this strength. It was there all along.

 

 

 

 

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One Comment Add yours

  1. I know that I didn’t initially understand PTSD and the long-term effects. I am glad you are aware of the effects, and I hope you find much healing. I continue to search for healing modalities, but I think the search itself is important because it means we are putting ourselves and our healing first. For many years, I just plugged ahead without addressing how rape had changed my life. Many blessings to you…

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